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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I must be really bored to be posting this:

http://s299.photobucket.com/albums/mm309/BlueDuck_album/?action=view&current=Dog_Dinner.flv
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blue, that was a real good funnybone tickler...I loved it. Thanx.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE PORCH

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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Grouch
Angler


Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 467
Location: Park Forest,IL

PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 2:29 pm    Post subject: Home Remedies Reply with quote

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 11:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Six Basic Rules For Good Health
1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
SO ... REMEMBER ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ... And may the Good Lord cleanse yourDirtyMind !!!
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:10 am    Post subject: Priest's Big Catch Reply with quote

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen.'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch,' she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing, Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner.'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!’
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gene,

You naughty fellow, I will be sure to say a prayer for you tomorrow.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Names Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 9:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her. She replied "Mummy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1847
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself.

One man said "I wish I could do that."

The other man said "You should probably just pet him first to see if he's friendly."
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